Have you ever been tempted to drink in the middle of the day? I am not talking about a celebratory champagne with friends or a cheeky bellini at a baby shower, I am talking about cold, hard, open-the-vodka-pour-half-a-glass-and-then-top-it-up-with-soda kinda drinking? Well today was that day for me. Yesterday I had made B1’s teacher’s gifts for Christmas. I made them these awesome cookie mix in a jar gifts. The ingredients are layered in a glass jar and then you do a pretty label and some dinky instructions on the side. They look amazing and apart from being a little time consuming, they are pretty easy to make. Buoyed with confidence, today I decided to make some Christmas crackles for B1’s classmates that he could hand out with his Christmas cards. I could not find an exact recipe online but I found several that were close and I am a confident enough cook, that I was sure I could knock something together that would be awesome. I was going to make them out of white chocolate and rice bubbles and I had a last minute brainwave that if I dyed the melted chocolate green and I worked quickly enough, I could shape them into little Christmas trees. Hurrah! I had bought some assorted candies which I arduously cut into little “ornaments” which I thought the kids could help me decorate the little “trees” with. Here was my first mistake. I TOLD the kids about my master plan BEFORE I had thought the details through so as I am melting chocolate over simmering water like a pro, I had both the kids at the counter, poking sticky fingers into my tediously tiny pieces of candy tree decorations and asking me if I was done yet. Stress levels:2.
As I mixed in my rice bubbles, I thought to myself, “Now Kirsten, you don’t want to end up with a mixture that is too dry or they won’t stick together nicely”, and I poured in about 3/4 of the bag. I stirred them in and it was looking good but the choc-to-bubble ratio seemed off (in favour of chocolate) so I go, “I can use the whole bag”, and before I think it through, I dump it all in. Here is my second mistake. Rice bubbles are like teeny tiny sponges and before I knew it, I had this MASS of slightly green, rice bubble rubble on my hands. BUGGER! Stress levels:5.
At this point, the kids are eating my “ornaments” hand over fist so as I am running around trying to fix the problem before the chocolate seizes, I am barking at them over the counter like a drill sergeant; to no avail of course. Kids, clever little buggers, seem to know when your hands are tied and happily chomped away as I madly melted more chocolate and butter together to try and salvage my crackles that at this point, resemble The Incredible Hulk’s dandruff! Stress levels: 8.5.
Then, Captain Pants decides to saunter over and see if he can be of assistance. This is the man who infrequently cooks but when he does, frequently burns shit so I am hesitant to take him up on his well meaning advances. He begins, with gay abandon, to tell me I should have melted marshmallows into the mixture as it would have held together better and wouldn’t you know it, the f*cker is absolutely right so I do what any woman would do in my situation; shoot him a withering glare and tell him to grab a bloody spoon. Stress levels:17.
I manage to do a trial “tree” and it holds it’s shape OK. HURRAH! I put the lone crackle in front of my sugar encrusted kids and take a deep breath and regroup. “Right kids”, I say in my best Martha Stewart voice, “Mummy is going to show you how to decorate the trees. Watch carefully cos you are going to do the next ones”. (There I go again, committing to things before I know what is going to happen. I SWEAR it’s an illness!!!!). I grab a little yellow jelly bean and say, “Right, these yellow ones are going to be the ‘star’ at the top of the tree” and I press it lightly into the top of my little green crackle and the whole thing promptly disintegrates into little green pellets in the patty paper. Stress levels: 82.
“RIGHT!”, I scream gaily, “I am just going to mix ALL the “ornaments” into the mix and we are going to make the trees with the little candy bits already in them!!”. This was mistake number 3. Heat+candy=melting sticky mess. As the “ornaments” began to meld into the mixture that is now looking more puce than green, I feel the vein in my head begin to throb. I look at Captain Pants who is still banging on about marshmallows and how their addition seems logical to him and I want to run. Run away from this whole endeavour. Run away from my children who are vibrating from the sugar they have consumed. Run away from Captain Pants who despite just wanting to help is looking more and more like a good target for my wooden spoon handle. Run away from this STUPID idea that I was soooo sure was going to be amazing. Who the f*ck thinks that making 27 little trees out of rice bubbles and chocolate is going to be a lovely “family” activity that we can all do together. ME!!!!! That’s who!!! Stress levels:579.
“OK”, I shrill with my last shred of Christmas cheer, “let’s just shovel the bubbles into the patty papers and mash them down hard and they can just be plain Christmas crackles!! The kids won’t care, they will just be happy they get to eat candy on a weekday!!”. We grab some spoons and commence scooping and filling. At this point the kids have lost interest and have wandered off, presumably to find somewhere to lie down and fall into a sugar coma so it is just me and the Captain, spooning like our lives depend on it. Both of us are eager to be done with the sticky mass on the stove and I am pretty sure he knew where I wanted to put my wooden spoon handle so I think he was just as eager to get away from the crazy lady with chocolate in her eyebrows and steam coming from her ears. Stress levels: 6432!
Finally we were done and my long suffering partner skulks off to pick the rice bubbles out of his fingernails (and the wooden spoon from his ass) and I am left in the kitchen with 27 little lime green Christmas crackles. In a moment of sheer brilliance, I remember I have some icing in a tube in the pantry and I think, “I can still salvage these!! If I put the ‘star’ on the top and glue it on with the icing, it could almost look like a tree“. This was my 4th and final mistake ladies and gents. I began frantically gluing the little yellow beans on the tops of the green mounds as at this point, I would rather be ANYWHERE else than in my kitchen. I finish the job and stand back to survey my handiwork and wouldn’t you know it, now they look like little green boobs with yellow nipples. Yep, you guessed it folks, I made Grinch tits for my kid to take to school! I snarled to myself that next year I was just going to buy a box of oreos and hand those out to my kid’s classmates! I grabbed my icing and with the speed and accuracy of an East African hurdler, I glued more little bits of candy on the outside of the mounds to make them look a little less booby. Stress levels: A BILLION!
They are in the fridge now and thankfully, they have solidified. I however, have fallen apart like so many bubbles of rice. Now, where’s that vodka bottle?
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